The Joy

I’m getting better, but it’s very slow. I’m still too tired to do much, still in pain, still with difficulties. As someone who is used to – and likes – being independent and active, this is all very frustrating. The worst thing is, it all beginning to make me a bit depressed. I’m a bit miserable, I have to admit. There have been crying sessions.

Apparently this is normal for someone in my position, and I’ve had counselling and anti-depressants suggested to me – but I have a better way.

You see, two weeks ago, something finally happened. I felt ready to write again. I have some editing to do – lots of editing to do, for both my agent and my editor, and I was ready to do it.

It’s only when you don’t write for a while that you forget the utter joy of it. I was utterly excited when I opened up my computer, and started those first few edits. I felt enormous pleasure in feeling my mind work again, and my imagination stretch, and my fingers flying across the keyboard.

I felt better when writing. If I was in pain, I forgot it. The exhaustion went away. The depression disappeared entirely. When I stopped, the pain and exhaustion came back, but I stayed happy. I sat back, worn out, but repeating to myself ‘I wrote today’.

Writing can be difficult and frustrating and tiring sometimes. Sometimes I just don’t want to do it. But in the end, it always brings me immense joy, and I must never forget that.

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