The part about waiting desperately for emails, then having a tiny panic attack when one does appear certainly resonates with me this week. As you know, I don’t often send off my stories to be published. Partly this is because of the difficulty of finding a magazine to sell a ghost story to. But partly because of the utter, terrifying, stomach-churning fear I feel whilst waiting for an answer.
I’ve got two out there now. Ten minutes before I sent them off I thought they were perfectly decent stories and worth trying to get published. Ten minutes AFTER I sent them off, I became convinced they were utter dross, hardly worth the paper they were written, the insane ramblings of incoherent talentless hack and what did I think I was doing exposing my dribblings to other people!
Now I’m waiting nervously for the return of my self-addressed brown envelopes with the answer. Part of me daydreams that they come back with an acceptance, and I practice how I’ll tell absolutely everyone I know that I’ve finally been published. The more practical part of me think it’ll probably be a polite no, but with some useful advice. But part of me is worried it’ll be a thundering ‘NO! NEVER!’, with further additions along the lines of ‘you should burn your pen before you pick it up!’ and ‘never darken the postbox of this illustrious magazine with your dross again!’.
Realisticly, I know that probably won’t happen. Nevertheless, the fear is there, and it’s paralysing. I dread the sight of those envelopes, and feel sick every time I go to get the post, even though I know I probably won’t get an answer for weeks.
But on the plus side, at least this list shows I’m not the only one! That is a relief.
And no, whatever the answer is, it won’t stop me trying again.