The twenty first century and Women by Christine Duncan

When I was growing up, the nuns that tried to teach me stuff talked about the coming twenty-first century.
They showed us films showing us the coming Utopia. People wouldn’t age much. Problems with childhood diseases would be cured. Nuns didn’t talk much about societal problems then. But when I brought the topic home, my mother, who was a feminist, liked the idea that we would progress so much, and she thought that in the twenty-first century, maybe women would make as much money as men. Maybe the problems with men beating wives and girlfriends would be gone.

To be honest, the twenty-first century seemed a long way off, and I knew only one thing with certainty. I would be old then. But I remembered the film and my mother’s thoughts. I hoped she was right.

The twenty-first century hasn’t solved much as far as I can tell. People still age–botox or not. Kids can get shots for many childhood maladies so that seems better, unless of course, your kid reacts to the shots. And women still are beaten every day in this country by a man who says he loves them.

And what can you do, you’re thinking? Well, for starters, if your man abuses you, you need to leave. Your kids are watching and they are more apt to be in some sort of violent relationship when they become adults if they see it as kids. And no matter what you think, they see it.

If your relationship is good, raise your kids with awareness. Let them know that abuse is never acceptable. If you see an incidence of abuse, don’t just gloss over it and hope nothing penetrated. Speak up. Your words will be remembered for decades, as my mother’s were.

If you can, blog on it this month–spread the awareness.

If you believe, pray, if you have money, donate, if you have time, volunteer.
We can make a difference.

Are We Dumbing Things Down? by Christine Duncan

I turned on what I thought was a television news program this Sunday morning only to get another celebrity interview.  I’m not going to tell you the program or the celebrity (whom I happen to like even if I did think she must be dead.) because it doesn’t matter.  This is not the first time I’ve had this kind of thing happen.

Lately, the news has been less than news, at least, here in the U.S.  It’s not uncommon for much of the 30 minute network programs  to be taken up by celebrity stuff like Tiger’s divorce or Lindsey’s jail sentence.  And I don’t doubt that it will be denied by the major networks but on weekends some of this garbage seems to just be repeats of what was said on the weekdays.  I know there are still troops in Iraq (okay call them consultants) and in Afghanistan.  I know  that people are still dying of AIDs and starvation in Africa and that the economy could fill up a full hour on its own if the networks felt like doing so, but the fact of the matter is, this stuff isn’t given the play that it used to have.

I’m reminded of how the masses were passified by the Feelies in  the classic 1984.  And I’m wondering if the media (or the government) took notes from the book.

To keep this on a writing theme, are you dumbing your work down?  Do you feel that perhaps people can’t handle as much with the recession (yes, I know they said it was over in June or July of ’09–I just believe that declaration to have been as effective and as premature as George W’s declaration that the war in Iraq was over.)  Do you try to make your writing more light?  Maybe try to entertain more than educate?

In a, perhaps, related bit, I have to say, it’s almost October, folks.  And once again we are about to hit Domestic Violence awareness month in America.  I can’t dumb that one down for anyone.  We are soliciting guest authors on that theme, here at Rule of Three, and hope to hear from you soon.

Faith in Mankind

As I may have mentioned, I have taken a job doing taxes for the season in order to make a little more money. For the most part, it’s routine. The people who have come in so far are not exactly wealthy. Many are struggling. Everyone gripes about the economy. A few gripe about the government giving their hard earned money away. It could be depressing, if I let it get to me.
But this week, a couple came in who had both been out of work all year. Between them, they only made 15,000, as they had only found temporary work all year and supplemented that with selling magazine subscriptions. And they were raising two kids on that.
Before they came in, I had been worrying about bills and wondering why I wanted to be a writer when the average income from writing is still only about 5000.00 a year. But after meeting them, I felt that I was really lucky, and I kept hoping they would get a humongous refund although the numbers told me they wouldn’t.
They never griped. Never seemed to lose their patience, although they had to wait a while to get their taxes done. Then, just as I was finishing up, I got to the part where the state asks if you would like to donate your some of your refund to a list of about a dozen charities. Most folks page right on by that. This couple didn’t.
They carefully surveyed the list, considered their miniscule state refund, and donated the whole thing to the domestic violence coalition.
I have no way of telling you what that did for me that day. I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it. So I thought I’d just pass it on to you.

I Didn’t Get Involved–Until The Murder Trial

                                                    By Cheryl A. Schwartz

     Her frantic screams begging for him to stop sounded muffled, as if through
a pillow. What seemed like furniture being thrown against the wall jarred the
floor under my feet. It felt like a small earthquake.

My friend and I looked up at each other for a moment during the commotion,
then without a word focused back on the work we were doing at her dining room
table in the condo next door.

Thirty minutes into the screaming and thundering upheaval my friend and I
met eyes again, “This happens over there all the time,” she said.

After an hour I couldn’t stand it anymore. “Do you know who lives there?”
“Does anyone ever call the police?” “Shouldn’t we do something?”

 

“No.”

I knocked over my chair tripping to my friend’s front door, ran out and
started to knock on the fighting neighbors’ door. I stopped. Suddenly I began
assessing possible danger to me — this wasn’t my space — I didn’t know who or
what was behind that door.

Whispering to my friend back in her living room I told her I had never
before shied away from getting involved when lives were at stake. But this one
confused me terribly. I felt I should be doing something to intervene but
decided not to based on my friend’s assessment that they were always fighting
next door. Ninety minutes of ferocious battle had finally quieted. I went
home.

The next day my friend called. “Guess who’s dead?”

The husband was charged with the murder of his wife. He beat and strangled
her to death, dragged her bloody, broken body up stairs to the bathroom, washed
her in the tub, re-dressed her in clean clothes, then shoved her body back down
the staircase where it landed in a heap on the living room floor.

My God! I had heard her being murdered! The woman had been screaming for
her life! 

I phoned the district attorney, told her what I knew, and became a witness
for the prosecution.     

 

Tears dripped down my face as I spoke from the witness stand. I starred
straight in the eyes of the murderer during my entire testimony. He was found
guilty.

The names of the people involved in this domestic abuse case aren’t
important, except for the victim. She had a name. It was Catherine.

# # #

Cheryl A. Schwartz, aka aeropolowoman, is a former print and broadcast
journalist from Los Angeles. She is now a blogging journalist from Clearwater,
Florida. Contact her at: http:/twitter.com/direct_message/create/aeropolowoman,  or  cheryl.schwartz@alumni.uc.edu

A Foundation of RESPECT

By Esta Soler

In so many ways, these seem like the toughest of times.  Families have been shaken by the economic downturn and many of us are scared about the future.  Wall Street is being pitted against Main Street and many say we have yet to reach the bottom.  Yet there is hope.

In times like these, the best answers may be the simplest.  Put one foot in front of the other and keep going.  Make the best decisions you can.  Find partners who share your values and goals.  Treat other people with respect.

That’s how we’re tackling one of the world’s most serious and intractable problems – domestic and sexual violence.  For too long, this issue has largely been out of sight, a dark secret, discussed in hushed tones if at all.

Today most people sympathize with victims of domestic violence, and with children who witness violence in their homes.  But few know what to do to help.

An answer is emerging. It’s simple and straightforward.  It starts by recognizing that this violence is neither isolated nor rare.  In fact, it is a public health crisis in our country and our world.

The statistics are staggering.  Domestic and sexual violence are problems of epidemic proportions.  In the United States alone, more than ten million children will witness violence in their own families.

The consequences are severe.  Victims of violence are more likely than others to suffer a variety of serious health problems, from depression and panic attacks to substance abuse and HIV/AIDS.  Children who experience or witness abuse may have difficulty learning, behavioral problems, and a host of other issues that impede their healthy development.

New partners are essential in building a movement.  The Family Violence Prevention Fund has two – two new and very influential partners in its work to stop violence: Macy’s and Geoffrey Beene Gives Back^TM.  With many thousands of employees and millions of customers, Macy’s and Geoffrey Beene Gives Back^TM have an interest in fostering a world with less violence, because doing so strengthens their companies as well as the communities in which they do business.

We see progress coming in the simplest of ways.  Macy’s, Geoffrey Beene Gives Back^TM and the Family Violence Prevention Fund have come together to take a stand against violence, and to promote healthy relationships built on a foundation of respect.  It’s exactly the kind of partnership between advocates and corporations that we need to create real and lasting change.  Together, we’re aiming to inspire a new movement that will help stop the violence that plagues families and communities and do that by promoting respect as the fundamental building block of interpersonal and all other relationships in our society.

Last month, we launched a new national campaign to promote respect.  It began on September 19 when, at 600 Macy’s stores and on 135 college campuses, we began a public conversation about solutions to the violence that plagues our society.

Now, with the support of Geoffrey Beene Gives Back^TM, we’re able to empower each and every individual to donate to this important cause without having to reach into their own wallets. Starting November 7, when you visit GiveRespect.org , $5 will be donated to the Fund on your behalf. When you give respect to your friends and family, another $5 will be donated. The more you give on our site, the more we receive but your bank account is untouched.

After all, giving respect is one simple step we can all take to begin a new national conversation about our collective responsibility to build safer, healthier, and happier homes, communities, and workplaces nationwide.

Please join the rally for respect today at GiveRespect.org.

Esta Soler is President of the Family Violence Prevention Fund, www.endabuse.org.

October Wind-up

Narelle may have a word or two to say, before we end the topic of Domestic Violence awareness, but as we approach the end of the month and return to our regularly scheduled program, I want to urge you not to forget to just take a few moments to remember to help the victims of domestic violence.

We’ve already talked about a few easy things to do: you can talk about it, and blog about it to raise awareness, or buy a bracelet from GiveRespect.org to show your support.  Think about having a fund raising dinner at your house.  The September issue of Cooking Light magazine can give you some ideas there. Donate your gently used clothes and household articles to the shelter of your choice. If you have experienced domestic violence sometime in your life, think about volunteering at a shelter. You have a great deal to offer. Sometimes just hearing that there is life beyond this crisis is a lifesaver. It’s not always about money.

Thanks to all of you readers for your comments and your support.

Domestic Violence? Give Respect.org!

In so many ways, these seem like the toughest of times.  Families have been shaken by the economic downturn.  Stability seems gone, and many of us are scared about the future.  The political climate has heated up, at times almost beyond reason.  Wall Street is being pitted against Main Street.

In times like these, the best answers may be the simplest.  Put one foot in front of the other and keep going.  Make the best decisions you can.  Find partners who share your values and goals.  Treat other people with respect.

That’s how we’re tackling one of the world’s most serious and intractable problems – domestic and sexual violence.  With Respect.

Last year, with our friends at Macy’s, we envisioned a national awareness campaign that encouraged everyone, whether they had a connection to the issue of domestic violence or not, to give respect in their lives. This September, we announced the RESPECT! Campaign^SM and launched a new site — GiveRespect.org — that invited the nation to rally for respect with us, and give respect online in any number of ways. By donating, by telling a friend, or by buying a respect bracelet and wearing it proudly. In just a few short weeks, we’ve already seen more than 25,000 acts of respect across the nation, and we’re encouraged that the effort will continue to grow!

And the most incredible thing about respect is that when you give it, you get it back.

Every day, through this new campaign, we learn about the stories of courageous survivors and advocates for the cause, like Christine and Narelle, who are speaking out every day to end the suffering and give hope to those who are victims.

Recently, our partners at Alpha Chi Omega released a video of a domestic violence survivor, Carolyn Cox, who in 2004, was nearly killed by her husband. For 43 years, she silently wished the man she’d married would treat her with respect and decency, and thankfully today, he is behind bars.  She is one of many sharing her story (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=doP0sEHvOEk) to help young women understand  what a healthy, respectful relationship should be like. We admire Carolyn, and all those like her who are changing the conversation in this country and building a foundation of respect for future generations.

Together, we can and will build a new kind of society. One that encourages decency and respect. A society where boys and girls are taught that violence does not equal strength, and where individuals across the globe stand with courage, lead with conviction and speak with one voice to say, “No more”.

We need your help to achieve this. Please reach out to others and take a stand for respect at www.giverespect.org today. And tell your friends — starting on October 30, when you give respect, Geoffrey Beene gives back^TM. For every act of respect, Geoffrey Beene will donate $5 to the Family Violence Prevention Fund, and when you donate, they match it!

With Respect,

The Family Violence Prevention Fund

Sorry to be so blunt but…

In the event you can’t leave the abuser right away or you’ve tried and found that you weren’t (financially or otherwise) ready, you need to minimize your risk of death.  I’m sorry to be so blunt but the reality is that American women are killed by intimate partners more often than by anyone else.  In fact, intimate partner homicide is the leading cause of death in African American women aged 15-45 and it accounts for 40% or 50% of all female homicides.  Shocking but absolutely true.

The statistics in Australia are not good either.  There is on average more than one domestic homicide in Australia per week and based on recent events, I suspect the statistics will be higher for 2008.

So, you’re stuck (temporarily) in an abusive relationship until you get your new life organized.  You need to know which abusive traits are strong predictors to homicide.

* Abuse during pregnancy is a major red flag.  Being abused during pregnancy increases a woman’s risk of intimate partner homicide by nine times.  Read that again, nine times - remember Laci Peterson?  So, no matter what, if your partner is physically or emotionally abusive during your pregnancy, take immediate action.

* Take death threats seriously.  Men who murder their wives often threaten to do so before they do it.

* Remove or hide all guns and ammunition from the home.

* Report domestic violence. It’s understandable to be concerned that reporting domestic violence to the police is going to make the situation at home worse.  However, the incidence of domestic homicide is lower in relationships where the abuser has been charged with the crime.

* Keep your plans (to leave) a secret and leave when the abuser is not home.  Take extra special care for the first 12 months after leaving.  Your risk is heightened during this time especially when the abuser is really controlling (aren’t they all?)

* Reach out.  As well as reporting the abuse, you can reach out to family, friends and local domestic violence agencies.

I want to finish this post by saying that there are a lot of people who care about women who live in a domestic nightmare.   Don’t suffer alone or in silence.

More on Why Battered Women Don’t Leave

I think Narelle’s post and a number of the comments have hit the nail on the head.  Many battered women don’t leave due to economic factors.  Maybe they don’t have a job, and they’ve got kids.  It’s not that they want to be abused. They’re flat out scared. The abuser has threatened their lives, their children’s lives, their families’ lives. 

 Which brings us to the issue of shelters, which are meant to help with all of this.  Women can go to a shelter and be safe, bring their kids and keep them safe, live there for a bit and find a job and a new apartment.  Except that there aren’t enough shelters. 

   In my home state of Colorado, the Colorado Coalition against Domestic Violence reports that they turned away 5,886 people in 2006 due to a lack of capacity. That was just in my state. How is yours doing?

CCADV further reports a need for more long term shelter. Really?

Think about this: your husband has abused you. You leave, in a hurry with the kids and what clothes you can grab up and call a shelter because he will find you at your Mom’s house and you’re scared for Mom.  You figure you’re lucky.  You’ve got a job; you can support yourself and the kids.  And the shelter has room for you all so you have time to find a new apartment.

Maybe you’ve forgotten your contact lens case, your son’s spelling homework, maybe you’ve forgotten your daughter’s asthma medicine. But you get to a shelter and you’re safe. But you have no money and the shelter is noisy, overcrowded and you can only stay 30 days or maybe six weeks.

During that time, your husband shows up at the kids’ school and tries to take them. Luckily you’ve alerted the principal, but you realize he can catch them anywhere. You need to change the kids’ school. Not only that. He shows up in the parking lot of your job and makes a scene. Your co-workers intervene but you can’t feel safe. And the boss sure didn’t like it.  All of a sudden, you need a new job.

Of course, you have no furniture, blankets, or even cooking utensils. You had to leave all of that behind. So you have to remake your whole life in 30 days or maybe six weeks.  Plus all the apartments want first and last month’s rent plus a deposit.  You don’t have that kind of money and time is running out.  Can you do it?

Maybe he promises he’ll stop. Maybe he says he’ll go to counseling. Maybe the shelter is overcrowded, noisy. The kids can’t sleep at night and cry to go home.
Do you believe him. Is it worth it to go home, try to get a plan and some money and do this again? What do you do? What do you do?

Why battered women don’t leave…

In choosing my Domestic Violence awareness month topic this week, I reflected on a conversation I had with my sister some months ago.  I asked her what she’d like to know about domestic violence.

She said, “why don’t they just leave, Rel?  Like, why do the women stay?  I don’t get that.”

The most commonly ascribed ‘clinical’ theory is battered women’s syndrome.  Battered women’s syndrome is said to be a form of post-traumatic stress. The syndrome has four stages:

1) Denial – she denies to herself and everyone else that the abuse is taking place.

2) Guilt – she acknowledges that there is abuse taking place but believes she brought it on herself and is therefore responsible for it.

3) Enlightenment – she recognizes that no-one deserves to be abused and relinquished responsibility.  She stays in the relationship hoping to work things out.

4) Responsibility – she concedes that the abuser is not going to change and she decides to leave and get on with her life.

Learned helplessness is another theory sometimes used to explain why women stay.  As the name suggests, learned helplessness is a condition where the victim of abuse fails to recognize their ability to change or escape from an unpleasant or destructive situation.

And to all that I say clinical-sminical!   Here’s a summary of the reality that one woman faced when trying to leave her abusive husband.  I’m sure she is not alone in her experience.

You can’t escape him.  He has access to the same places you do and when he finds you, the abuse he inflicts will be worse than ever.

In order to hide the abuse, you’ve become isolated and now have no-where to go.  If you do have friend or family to turn to – are you really going to drag them into this tangled mess?  (In this woman’s case, a police officer actually told her that her violent husband was her problem and she had no right inflicting him on anyone else).

He’s and expert liar so you call the police, he explains you’re out of your mind, the police believe him and bring him home.  Similarly, professionals have a hard time believing a quiet, educated man would do the things you accuse him of.

Your pastor tells you that love conquers all and to “turn the other cheek”.

You end up in couples counseling with a counselor who tells you both that you need to communicate and trust more openly.   Despite her assurances to the contrary, the counsellor raises issues you’ve told them in confidence.  Your husband appears to consider these issues – he nods, looks reflective and says all the right things.  The self satisfied counsellor sends you on your way to work on the issues.  You get home and your husband beats the living daylights you of you.

This women ended up getting away from her husband but I’ll end this post by quoting from her letter.

“I still remember with special bitterness the psychiatrist, doctors, and policemen who told me that I must enjoy such treatment, or I would never put up with it.”