A Foundation of RESPECT

By Esta Soler

In so many ways, these seem like the toughest of times.  Families have been shaken by the economic downturn and many of us are scared about the future.  Wall Street is being pitted against Main Street and many say we have yet to reach the bottom.  Yet there is hope.

In times like these, the best answers may be the simplest.  Put one foot in front of the other and keep going.  Make the best decisions you can.  Find partners who share your values and goals.  Treat other people with respect.

That’s how we’re tackling one of the world’s most serious and intractable problems – domestic and sexual violence.  For too long, this issue has largely been out of sight, a dark secret, discussed in hushed tones if at all.

Today most people sympathize with victims of domestic violence, and with children who witness violence in their homes.  But few know what to do to help.

An answer is emerging. It’s simple and straightforward.  It starts by recognizing that this violence is neither isolated nor rare.  In fact, it is a public health crisis in our country and our world.

The statistics are staggering.  Domestic and sexual violence are problems of epidemic proportions.  In the United States alone, more than ten million children will witness violence in their own families.

The consequences are severe.  Victims of violence are more likely than others to suffer a variety of serious health problems, from depression and panic attacks to substance abuse and HIV/AIDS.  Children who experience or witness abuse may have difficulty learning, behavioral problems, and a host of other issues that impede their healthy development.

New partners are essential in building a movement.  The Family Violence Prevention Fund has two – two new and very influential partners in its work to stop violence: Macy’s and Geoffrey Beene Gives Back^TM.  With many thousands of employees and millions of customers, Macy’s and Geoffrey Beene Gives Back^TM have an interest in fostering a world with less violence, because doing so strengthens their companies as well as the communities in which they do business.

We see progress coming in the simplest of ways.  Macy’s, Geoffrey Beene Gives Back^TM and the Family Violence Prevention Fund have come together to take a stand against violence, and to promote healthy relationships built on a foundation of respect.  It’s exactly the kind of partnership between advocates and corporations that we need to create real and lasting change.  Together, we’re aiming to inspire a new movement that will help stop the violence that plagues families and communities and do that by promoting respect as the fundamental building block of interpersonal and all other relationships in our society.

Last month, we launched a new national campaign to promote respect.  It began on September 19 when, at 600 Macy’s stores and on 135 college campuses, we began a public conversation about solutions to the violence that plagues our society.

Now, with the support of Geoffrey Beene Gives Back^TM, we’re able to empower each and every individual to donate to this important cause without having to reach into their own wallets. Starting November 7, when you visit GiveRespect.org , $5 will be donated to the Fund on your behalf. When you give respect to your friends and family, another $5 will be donated. The more you give on our site, the more we receive but your bank account is untouched.

After all, giving respect is one simple step we can all take to begin a new national conversation about our collective responsibility to build safer, healthier, and happier homes, communities, and workplaces nationwide.

Please join the rally for respect today at GiveRespect.org.

Esta Soler is President of the Family Violence Prevention Fund, www.endabuse.org.

More on Why Battered Women Don’t Leave

I think Narelle’s post and a number of the comments have hit the nail on the head.  Many battered women don’t leave due to economic factors.  Maybe they don’t have a job, and they’ve got kids.  It’s not that they want to be abused. They’re flat out scared. The abuser has threatened their lives, their children’s lives, their families’ lives. 

 Which brings us to the issue of shelters, which are meant to help with all of this.  Women can go to a shelter and be safe, bring their kids and keep them safe, live there for a bit and find a job and a new apartment.  Except that there aren’t enough shelters. 

   In my home state of Colorado, the Colorado Coalition against Domestic Violence reports that they turned away 5,886 people in 2006 due to a lack of capacity. That was just in my state. How is yours doing?

CCADV further reports a need for more long term shelter. Really?

Think about this: your husband has abused you. You leave, in a hurry with the kids and what clothes you can grab up and call a shelter because he will find you at your Mom’s house and you’re scared for Mom.  You figure you’re lucky.  You’ve got a job; you can support yourself and the kids.  And the shelter has room for you all so you have time to find a new apartment.

Maybe you’ve forgotten your contact lens case, your son’s spelling homework, maybe you’ve forgotten your daughter’s asthma medicine. But you get to a shelter and you’re safe. But you have no money and the shelter is noisy, overcrowded and you can only stay 30 days or maybe six weeks.

During that time, your husband shows up at the kids’ school and tries to take them. Luckily you’ve alerted the principal, but you realize he can catch them anywhere. You need to change the kids’ school. Not only that. He shows up in the parking lot of your job and makes a scene. Your co-workers intervene but you can’t feel safe. And the boss sure didn’t like it.  All of a sudden, you need a new job.

Of course, you have no furniture, blankets, or even cooking utensils. You had to leave all of that behind. So you have to remake your whole life in 30 days or maybe six weeks.  Plus all the apartments want first and last month’s rent plus a deposit.  You don’t have that kind of money and time is running out.  Can you do it?

Maybe he promises he’ll stop. Maybe he says he’ll go to counseling. Maybe the shelter is overcrowded, noisy. The kids can’t sleep at night and cry to go home.
Do you believe him. Is it worth it to go home, try to get a plan and some money and do this again? What do you do? What do you do?

MORE OF October: Domestic Violence Awareness Month

I know doing this is a departure for a “writing” blog. But I think this is important. People get so overwhelmed by big causes like domestic violence that they think they can do nothing–and that’s pretty much what they do.

It doesn’t take much.  It doesn’t even take money.  It does take awareness to work on domestic violence.  When I first became involved with the cause, women who called a domestic violence “hotline” were apt to be directed to the home of a woman who was passionate about helping other women. The victim stayed the night or nights at the home of the volunteer. Shelters came later, at least in Northern California where I got involved.

It was these same volunteers who staffed the hotlines, answering panicked calls from other women late into the night because they knew no one would call at 2 a.m unless they really needed help.  Efforts like these went on around the country–woman after woman after man helping people who needed help.

We’ll be having some guests come to Rule of Three to talk about their efforts in response to Domestic Violence.   Lacresha Hayes an author, minister and an advocate for the abused will talk about what she does. And Katherine Meiners of Give Respect campaign, which is run by the Family Violence Prevention fund will also be here this month.
Meanwhile, just keep domestic violence in mind, and heart and prayer. Blog about it. Talk about it. Donate your gently used clothing to a shelter. You can make a difference and it doesn’t mean changing your life to do it. But it could change someone else’s life.

Sibling Abuse

Pushing on then, here are the risk factors involved with sibling abuse:

* Absence of parents (emotional, physical or both).

* Parents not identifying sibling interaction (such as violence and victimization) as abusive and therefore not taking steps to stop it.

* Parents not teaching children how to resolve conflicts in a healthy manner.

* Overexposure to violence coupled with few healthy conflict resolution skills.

* A family environment where children have to compete for their parent’s attention, affection and praise.

* Families denying the existence of a problem.

What to do if you see your siblings hitting, biting or torturing each other in any way;

* Separate the children immediately.

* When the emotion is out of the situation, sit everyone down and talk about what happened.

* Tell the children that what took place was totally unacceptable and absolutely has to stop.

* Discuss and identify what triggered the outburst.  This is a really important point for you and them.  Everyone needs to understand which situations are explosive so that they can be defused or avoided in future.

* Talk about how each person was feeling when things got out of hand.  Were they angry, frustrated, scared or hurt?  Where do those feeling sit in their body?  Help them to recognize those feelings.

* Talk about what they could’ve done differently to communicate their feelings.

* Create an emotional toolbox so that they’ll have non-violent options next time they’re in a volatile situation.   If the children aren’t able to come up with alternatives for their abusive behaviors, you need to help them.  Make a list of “what to do when I feel mad/sad/hurt/frustrated”.   What appears on your list will depend on the ages of the children and their personality types.  Suggestions can include: self imposed time out, going for a walk outside, listening to music, calling a friend, asking parents for help, doing something physical to let off steam such as kicking a soccer ball or jumping on a trampoline.  If your children are creative, you might suggest that they draw a picture of how they’re feeling or write their feelings down.

* Encourage positive changes in behavior with predetermined rewards.

Research has shown that children who suffer at the hands of siblings encounter problems in adult life such as an depression, low self-esteem, relationship difficulties, substance abuse and eating disorders.  So don’t ingore sibling abuse and get professional help if you think you need it.