Oct is Domestic Violence Awareness Month by Christine Duncan

Okay, folks, I blew it. Blame the long Indian summer weather here in Colorado or blame my never ending, paint the house project, but my head is still in September or maybe even August somewhere. But it is October and it is Domestic Violence Awareness month. President Obama even made a proclamation about it. Go and read it or pick up a T-shirt to show your support.
Or find some local event where you can show your support.

Connecting with Your Readers by Christine Dunc

I have long thought that the job of being an author means that we have to be willing to say the things that may be too painful, too awful, too scary for others to say or even sometimes to want to hear. Perhaps that is why my books are set in a battered women’s shelter. I want to make the painful, less mysterious, less scary. I want to show there is still life after domestic violence and it can be a good one.

But I think too, that sometimes, when we say these scary things, we connect more clearly with our audience. Because there is a need for them to be said. Case in Point: the recent issue of Time. Have you seen it? The cover is blunt and to the point “What Recovery?”

Now most middle class folks here in America have been wondering just that for a while now. It is the murmured topic at the church potluck and the neighborhood barbecue and around the water cooler at work. But the administration, and most of the media haven’t bothered to say it. It was scary.

Just reading that headline was a relief. Yes. They get it. We are still in a downturn. Call it a recession, call it whatever you want–I’m calling it a depression because the classic definition of recession is short term, but it’s still happening.

So what is the writing lesson? Well, for the first time in a very long time, I want to get my hands on a Time magazine. They spoke to ME. They experienced what I know. I want to read it. And the writing lessons there, I think, are obvious then. When we speak to the person’s real life, they identify. They want to read on.

As I’ve said before, writing this stuff isn’t easy. You have to be willing to feel the pain yourself before you can communicate it effectively. But when you can do it, you know it. And you know you have written something you can be proud of.

The twenty first century and Women by Christine Duncan

When I was growing up, the nuns that tried to teach me stuff talked about the coming twenty-first century.
They showed us films showing us the coming Utopia. People wouldn’t age much. Problems with childhood diseases would be cured. Nuns didn’t talk much about societal problems then. But when I brought the topic home, my mother, who was a feminist, liked the idea that we would progress so much, and she thought that in the twenty-first century, maybe women would make as much money as men. Maybe the problems with men beating wives and girlfriends would be gone.

To be honest, the twenty-first century seemed a long way off, and I knew only one thing with certainty. I would be old then. But I remembered the film and my mother’s thoughts. I hoped she was right.

The twenty-first century hasn’t solved much as far as I can tell. People still age–botox or not. Kids can get shots for many childhood maladies so that seems better, unless of course, your kid reacts to the shots. And women still are beaten every day in this country by a man who says he loves them.

And what can you do, you’re thinking? Well, for starters, if your man abuses you, you need to leave. Your kids are watching and they are more apt to be in some sort of violent relationship when they become adults if they see it as kids. And no matter what you think, they see it.

If your relationship is good, raise your kids with awareness. Let them know that abuse is never acceptable. If you see an incidence of abuse, don’t just gloss over it and hope nothing penetrated. Speak up. Your words will be remembered for decades, as my mother’s were.

If you can, blog on it this month–spread the awareness.

If you believe, pray, if you have money, donate, if you have time, volunteer.
We can make a difference.

Why Battered Women Don’t Leave by Christine Duncan

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. I got a proposal for a post from a possible guest on why battered women don’t leave. It was a great idea for a post, and one that we have explored here before. But that is not the reason I vetoed the post. Why battered women just don’t leave has got to be the question most often asked when the subject of domestic violence comes up. We could do a whole month on the topic alone. The reason I didn’t really warm up to the writer’s topic is that the guest writer suggested that it was fear–of being hurt and of being pennyless. And that suggested to me that perhaps, they knew a little but maybe not enough.

Women don’t just stay because of fear–although that is certainly part of it. The statistic about leaving being one of the most dangerous times for battered women is one of the most quoted one out there. But it goes beyond personal fear many times. He may have threatened their family if they were to go there. He may have told her in so many words how he would hurt any friends she would go to. So she can’t go any of those places.

As to pennyless? Many women in this situation have little or no money because he controls the finances. Which leaves shelters. Women don’t leave because shelters are over crowded and (many) are short term anyway. So perhaps they will get only a month or so to figure out where to go from there. And they know that’s not long enough to remake a life.

They don’t leave because they know that they will not only have to have the deposit and first and last month’s rent on a new apt. (and furniture, dishes and linens….) but they will have to get a new job, because they know he will confront her at her old job. They know they will have to have the kids change schools, because, he can and will take the kids. MIght even hurt the kids to hurt her. Leaving, even when the cops come to make sure she can get her stuff out, is hard because he’s going to claim that everything from her cell phone to the locket her mother gave her for her birthday is his (or in the case of the locket an old family heirloom)–to the cops. And the cops will tell her it’s marital property and can’t be taken.

And once she has left the house with the cops, she will realize she forgot her spare contacts and the baby’s favorite blankie–and it will all be gone for good, because he’ll burn it rather than let her have it.

And maybe just maybe there is still a very small part of her that wants to believe him when he says he’ll change, that he loves her, that she needs to forgive him.

Leaving is a lot more complex than just fear. It takes more than one try for many many women because of that.

I Didn’t Get Involved–Until The Murder Trial

                                                    By Cheryl A. Schwartz

     Her frantic screams begging for him to stop sounded muffled, as if through
a pillow. What seemed like furniture being thrown against the wall jarred the
floor under my feet. It felt like a small earthquake.

My friend and I looked up at each other for a moment during the commotion,
then without a word focused back on the work we were doing at her dining room
table in the condo next door.

Thirty minutes into the screaming and thundering upheaval my friend and I
met eyes again, “This happens over there all the time,” she said.

After an hour I couldn’t stand it anymore. “Do you know who lives there?”
“Does anyone ever call the police?” “Shouldn’t we do something?”

 

“No.”

I knocked over my chair tripping to my friend’s front door, ran out and
started to knock on the fighting neighbors’ door. I stopped. Suddenly I began
assessing possible danger to me — this wasn’t my space — I didn’t know who or
what was behind that door.

Whispering to my friend back in her living room I told her I had never
before shied away from getting involved when lives were at stake. But this one
confused me terribly. I felt I should be doing something to intervene but
decided not to based on my friend’s assessment that they were always fighting
next door. Ninety minutes of ferocious battle had finally quieted. I went
home.

The next day my friend called. “Guess who’s dead?”

The husband was charged with the murder of his wife. He beat and strangled
her to death, dragged her bloody, broken body up stairs to the bathroom, washed
her in the tub, re-dressed her in clean clothes, then shoved her body back down
the staircase where it landed in a heap on the living room floor.

My God! I had heard her being murdered! The woman had been screaming for
her life! 

I phoned the district attorney, told her what I knew, and became a witness
for the prosecution.     

 

Tears dripped down my face as I spoke from the witness stand. I starred
straight in the eyes of the murderer during my entire testimony. He was found
guilty.

The names of the people involved in this domestic abuse case aren’t
important, except for the victim. She had a name. It was Catherine.

# # #

Cheryl A. Schwartz, aka aeropolowoman, is a former print and broadcast
journalist from Los Angeles. She is now a blogging journalist from Clearwater,
Florida. Contact her at: http:/twitter.com/direct_message/create/aeropolowoman,  or  cheryl.schwartz@alumni.uc.edu

October Wind-up

Narelle may have a word or two to say, before we end the topic of Domestic Violence awareness, but as we approach the end of the month and return to our regularly scheduled program, I want to urge you not to forget to just take a few moments to remember to help the victims of domestic violence.

We’ve already talked about a few easy things to do: you can talk about it, and blog about it to raise awareness, or buy a bracelet from GiveRespect.org to show your support.  Think about having a fund raising dinner at your house.  The September issue of Cooking Light magazine can give you some ideas there. Donate your gently used clothes and household articles to the shelter of your choice. If you have experienced domestic violence sometime in your life, think about volunteering at a shelter. You have a great deal to offer. Sometimes just hearing that there is life beyond this crisis is a lifesaver. It’s not always about money.

Thanks to all of you readers for your comments and your support.

Domestic Violence? Give Respect.org!

In so many ways, these seem like the toughest of times.  Families have been shaken by the economic downturn.  Stability seems gone, and many of us are scared about the future.  The political climate has heated up, at times almost beyond reason.  Wall Street is being pitted against Main Street.

In times like these, the best answers may be the simplest.  Put one foot in front of the other and keep going.  Make the best decisions you can.  Find partners who share your values and goals.  Treat other people with respect.

That’s how we’re tackling one of the world’s most serious and intractable problems – domestic and sexual violence.  With Respect.

Last year, with our friends at Macy’s, we envisioned a national awareness campaign that encouraged everyone, whether they had a connection to the issue of domestic violence or not, to give respect in their lives. This September, we announced the RESPECT! Campaign^SM and launched a new site — GiveRespect.org — that invited the nation to rally for respect with us, and give respect online in any number of ways. By donating, by telling a friend, or by buying a respect bracelet and wearing it proudly. In just a few short weeks, we’ve already seen more than 25,000 acts of respect across the nation, and we’re encouraged that the effort will continue to grow!

And the most incredible thing about respect is that when you give it, you get it back.

Every day, through this new campaign, we learn about the stories of courageous survivors and advocates for the cause, like Christine and Narelle, who are speaking out every day to end the suffering and give hope to those who are victims.

Recently, our partners at Alpha Chi Omega released a video of a domestic violence survivor, Carolyn Cox, who in 2004, was nearly killed by her husband. For 43 years, she silently wished the man she’d married would treat her with respect and decency, and thankfully today, he is behind bars.  She is one of many sharing her story (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=doP0sEHvOEk) to help young women understand  what a healthy, respectful relationship should be like. We admire Carolyn, and all those like her who are changing the conversation in this country and building a foundation of respect for future generations.

Together, we can and will build a new kind of society. One that encourages decency and respect. A society where boys and girls are taught that violence does not equal strength, and where individuals across the globe stand with courage, lead with conviction and speak with one voice to say, “No more”.

We need your help to achieve this. Please reach out to others and take a stand for respect at www.giverespect.org today. And tell your friends — starting on October 30, when you give respect, Geoffrey Beene gives back^TM. For every act of respect, Geoffrey Beene will donate $5 to the Family Violence Prevention Fund, and when you donate, they match it!

With Respect,

The Family Violence Prevention Fund

More on Why Battered Women Don’t Leave

I think Narelle’s post and a number of the comments have hit the nail on the head.  Many battered women don’t leave due to economic factors.  Maybe they don’t have a job, and they’ve got kids.  It’s not that they want to be abused. They’re flat out scared. The abuser has threatened their lives, their children’s lives, their families’ lives. 

 Which brings us to the issue of shelters, which are meant to help with all of this.  Women can go to a shelter and be safe, bring their kids and keep them safe, live there for a bit and find a job and a new apartment.  Except that there aren’t enough shelters. 

   In my home state of Colorado, the Colorado Coalition against Domestic Violence reports that they turned away 5,886 people in 2006 due to a lack of capacity. That was just in my state. How is yours doing?

CCADV further reports a need for more long term shelter. Really?

Think about this: your husband has abused you. You leave, in a hurry with the kids and what clothes you can grab up and call a shelter because he will find you at your Mom’s house and you’re scared for Mom.  You figure you’re lucky.  You’ve got a job; you can support yourself and the kids.  And the shelter has room for you all so you have time to find a new apartment.

Maybe you’ve forgotten your contact lens case, your son’s spelling homework, maybe you’ve forgotten your daughter’s asthma medicine. But you get to a shelter and you’re safe. But you have no money and the shelter is noisy, overcrowded and you can only stay 30 days or maybe six weeks.

During that time, your husband shows up at the kids’ school and tries to take them. Luckily you’ve alerted the principal, but you realize he can catch them anywhere. You need to change the kids’ school. Not only that. He shows up in the parking lot of your job and makes a scene. Your co-workers intervene but you can’t feel safe. And the boss sure didn’t like it.  All of a sudden, you need a new job.

Of course, you have no furniture, blankets, or even cooking utensils. You had to leave all of that behind. So you have to remake your whole life in 30 days or maybe six weeks.  Plus all the apartments want first and last month’s rent plus a deposit.  You don’t have that kind of money and time is running out.  Can you do it?

Maybe he promises he’ll stop. Maybe he says he’ll go to counseling. Maybe the shelter is overcrowded, noisy. The kids can’t sleep at night and cry to go home.
Do you believe him. Is it worth it to go home, try to get a plan and some money and do this again? What do you do? What do you do?

Why battered women don’t leave…

In choosing my Domestic Violence awareness month topic this week, I reflected on a conversation I had with my sister some months ago.  I asked her what she’d like to know about domestic violence.

She said, “why don’t they just leave, Rel?  Like, why do the women stay?  I don’t get that.”

The most commonly ascribed ‘clinical’ theory is battered women’s syndrome.  Battered women’s syndrome is said to be a form of post-traumatic stress. The syndrome has four stages:

1) Denial – she denies to herself and everyone else that the abuse is taking place.

2) Guilt – she acknowledges that there is abuse taking place but believes she brought it on herself and is therefore responsible for it.

3) Enlightenment – she recognizes that no-one deserves to be abused and relinquished responsibility.  She stays in the relationship hoping to work things out.

4) Responsibility – she concedes that the abuser is not going to change and she decides to leave and get on with her life.

Learned helplessness is another theory sometimes used to explain why women stay.  As the name suggests, learned helplessness is a condition where the victim of abuse fails to recognize their ability to change or escape from an unpleasant or destructive situation.

And to all that I say clinical-sminical!   Here’s a summary of the reality that one woman faced when trying to leave her abusive husband.  I’m sure she is not alone in her experience.

You can’t escape him.  He has access to the same places you do and when he finds you, the abuse he inflicts will be worse than ever.

In order to hide the abuse, you’ve become isolated and now have no-where to go.  If you do have friend or family to turn to – are you really going to drag them into this tangled mess?  (In this woman’s case, a police officer actually told her that her violent husband was her problem and she had no right inflicting him on anyone else).

He’s and expert liar so you call the police, he explains you’re out of your mind, the police believe him and bring him home.  Similarly, professionals have a hard time believing a quiet, educated man would do the things you accuse him of.

Your pastor tells you that love conquers all and to “turn the other cheek”.

You end up in couples counseling with a counselor who tells you both that you need to communicate and trust more openly.   Despite her assurances to the contrary, the counsellor raises issues you’ve told them in confidence.  Your husband appears to consider these issues – he nods, looks reflective and says all the right things.  The self satisfied counsellor sends you on your way to work on the issues.  You get home and your husband beats the living daylights you of you.

This women ended up getting away from her husband but I’ll end this post by quoting from her letter.

“I still remember with special bitterness the psychiatrist, doctors, and policemen who told me that I must enjoy such treatment, or I would never put up with it.”