October Reminder by Christine Duncan

I woke up this morning to discover that not only is summer over, but it’s the middle of October. I think it was the snow on the ground that really confirmed it for me. It wasn’t much snow, mind you, but then again, it’s not winter yet.

Anyway, it served as a reminder for me to tell you that it is Domestic Violence Awareness month here in the good old USA. So please, consider donating money, time or if they want them, your gently used items to your local shelter. There really aren’t enough shelters to go around and they are all grateful for what you can give them.

Recently, as I was researching a piece I was doing, I called NCADV to try to verify a statistic I keep stumbling across on the internet. What I wanted to know simply is–is it true that there are more animal shelters in the U.S. than domestic violence shelters. The woman on the phone painstakingly took me through it. We went to the humane society’s statistics on our respective computers then we went and explored the statistics for domestic violence shelters. I don’t have the number before me to impress you but the short answer is yes. There are more animal shelters here in the U.S. than domestic violence shelters.

Does anyone else find that as shocking as I do?

We need more shelters. And for that, we need more help. Please, prayerfully consider it.

And to bring this back to the topic of this blog–writing–I want to say that sometimes you have nothing to give. No money, no time, nothing extra. That’s okay. Do what I just did.

Writers, that means I’m challenging you to write about Domestic Violence Awareness month on your blog or Facebook or where ever you can. Spread the word–however you can. Even just a short word of reminder will help.

Faith in Mankind

As I may have mentioned, I have taken a job doing taxes for the season in order to make a little more money. For the most part, it’s routine. The people who have come in so far are not exactly wealthy. Many are struggling. Everyone gripes about the economy. A few gripe about the government giving their hard earned money away. It could be depressing, if I let it get to me.
But this week, a couple came in who had both been out of work all year. Between them, they only made 15,000, as they had only found temporary work all year and supplemented that with selling magazine subscriptions. And they were raising two kids on that.
Before they came in, I had been worrying about bills and wondering why I wanted to be a writer when the average income from writing is still only about 5000.00 a year. But after meeting them, I felt that I was really lucky, and I kept hoping they would get a humongous refund although the numbers told me they wouldn’t.
They never griped. Never seemed to lose their patience, although they had to wait a while to get their taxes done. Then, just as I was finishing up, I got to the part where the state asks if you would like to donate your some of your refund to a list of about a dozen charities. Most folks page right on by that. This couple didn’t.
They carefully surveyed the list, considered their miniscule state refund, and donated the whole thing to the domestic violence coalition.
I have no way of telling you what that did for me that day. I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it. So I thought I’d just pass it on to you.

October Wind-up

Narelle may have a word or two to say, before we end the topic of Domestic Violence awareness, but as we approach the end of the month and return to our regularly scheduled program, I want to urge you not to forget to just take a few moments to remember to help the victims of domestic violence.

We’ve already talked about a few easy things to do: you can talk about it, and blog about it to raise awareness, or buy a bracelet from GiveRespect.org to show your support.  Think about having a fund raising dinner at your house.  The September issue of Cooking Light magazine can give you some ideas there. Donate your gently used clothes and household articles to the shelter of your choice. If you have experienced domestic violence sometime in your life, think about volunteering at a shelter. You have a great deal to offer. Sometimes just hearing that there is life beyond this crisis is a lifesaver. It’s not always about money.

Thanks to all of you readers for your comments and your support.

Domestic Violence? Give Respect.org!

In so many ways, these seem like the toughest of times.  Families have been shaken by the economic downturn.  Stability seems gone, and many of us are scared about the future.  The political climate has heated up, at times almost beyond reason.  Wall Street is being pitted against Main Street.

In times like these, the best answers may be the simplest.  Put one foot in front of the other and keep going.  Make the best decisions you can.  Find partners who share your values and goals.  Treat other people with respect.

That’s how we’re tackling one of the world’s most serious and intractable problems – domestic and sexual violence.  With Respect.

Last year, with our friends at Macy’s, we envisioned a national awareness campaign that encouraged everyone, whether they had a connection to the issue of domestic violence or not, to give respect in their lives. This September, we announced the RESPECT! Campaign^SM and launched a new site — GiveRespect.org — that invited the nation to rally for respect with us, and give respect online in any number of ways. By donating, by telling a friend, or by buying a respect bracelet and wearing it proudly. In just a few short weeks, we’ve already seen more than 25,000 acts of respect across the nation, and we’re encouraged that the effort will continue to grow!

And the most incredible thing about respect is that when you give it, you get it back.

Every day, through this new campaign, we learn about the stories of courageous survivors and advocates for the cause, like Christine and Narelle, who are speaking out every day to end the suffering and give hope to those who are victims.

Recently, our partners at Alpha Chi Omega released a video of a domestic violence survivor, Carolyn Cox, who in 2004, was nearly killed by her husband. For 43 years, she silently wished the man she’d married would treat her with respect and decency, and thankfully today, he is behind bars.  She is one of many sharing her story (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=doP0sEHvOEk) to help young women understand  what a healthy, respectful relationship should be like. We admire Carolyn, and all those like her who are changing the conversation in this country and building a foundation of respect for future generations.

Together, we can and will build a new kind of society. One that encourages decency and respect. A society where boys and girls are taught that violence does not equal strength, and where individuals across the globe stand with courage, lead with conviction and speak with one voice to say, “No more”.

We need your help to achieve this. Please reach out to others and take a stand for respect at www.giverespect.org today. And tell your friends — starting on October 30, when you give respect, Geoffrey Beene gives back^TM. For every act of respect, Geoffrey Beene will donate $5 to the Family Violence Prevention Fund, and when you donate, they match it!

With Respect,

The Family Violence Prevention Fund

More on Why Battered Women Don’t Leave

I think Narelle’s post and a number of the comments have hit the nail on the head.  Many battered women don’t leave due to economic factors.  Maybe they don’t have a job, and they’ve got kids.  It’s not that they want to be abused. They’re flat out scared. The abuser has threatened their lives, their children’s lives, their families’ lives. 

 Which brings us to the issue of shelters, which are meant to help with all of this.  Women can go to a shelter and be safe, bring their kids and keep them safe, live there for a bit and find a job and a new apartment.  Except that there aren’t enough shelters. 

   In my home state of Colorado, the Colorado Coalition against Domestic Violence reports that they turned away 5,886 people in 2006 due to a lack of capacity. That was just in my state. How is yours doing?

CCADV further reports a need for more long term shelter. Really?

Think about this: your husband has abused you. You leave, in a hurry with the kids and what clothes you can grab up and call a shelter because he will find you at your Mom’s house and you’re scared for Mom.  You figure you’re lucky.  You’ve got a job; you can support yourself and the kids.  And the shelter has room for you all so you have time to find a new apartment.

Maybe you’ve forgotten your contact lens case, your son’s spelling homework, maybe you’ve forgotten your daughter’s asthma medicine. But you get to a shelter and you’re safe. But you have no money and the shelter is noisy, overcrowded and you can only stay 30 days or maybe six weeks.

During that time, your husband shows up at the kids’ school and tries to take them. Luckily you’ve alerted the principal, but you realize he can catch them anywhere. You need to change the kids’ school. Not only that. He shows up in the parking lot of your job and makes a scene. Your co-workers intervene but you can’t feel safe. And the boss sure didn’t like it.  All of a sudden, you need a new job.

Of course, you have no furniture, blankets, or even cooking utensils. You had to leave all of that behind. So you have to remake your whole life in 30 days or maybe six weeks.  Plus all the apartments want first and last month’s rent plus a deposit.  You don’t have that kind of money and time is running out.  Can you do it?

Maybe he promises he’ll stop. Maybe he says he’ll go to counseling. Maybe the shelter is overcrowded, noisy. The kids can’t sleep at night and cry to go home.
Do you believe him. Is it worth it to go home, try to get a plan and some money and do this again? What do you do? What do you do?

Sibling Abuse

Pushing on then, here are the risk factors involved with sibling abuse:

* Absence of parents (emotional, physical or both).

* Parents not identifying sibling interaction (such as violence and victimization) as abusive and therefore not taking steps to stop it.

* Parents not teaching children how to resolve conflicts in a healthy manner.

* Overexposure to violence coupled with few healthy conflict resolution skills.

* A family environment where children have to compete for their parent’s attention, affection and praise.

* Families denying the existence of a problem.

What to do if you see your siblings hitting, biting or torturing each other in any way;

* Separate the children immediately.

* When the emotion is out of the situation, sit everyone down and talk about what happened.

* Tell the children that what took place was totally unacceptable and absolutely has to stop.

* Discuss and identify what triggered the outburst.  This is a really important point for you and them.  Everyone needs to understand which situations are explosive so that they can be defused or avoided in future.

* Talk about how each person was feeling when things got out of hand.  Were they angry, frustrated, scared or hurt?  Where do those feeling sit in their body?  Help them to recognize those feelings.

* Talk about what they could’ve done differently to communicate their feelings.

* Create an emotional toolbox so that they’ll have non-violent options next time they’re in a volatile situation.   If the children aren’t able to come up with alternatives for their abusive behaviors, you need to help them.  Make a list of “what to do when I feel mad/sad/hurt/frustrated”.   What appears on your list will depend on the ages of the children and their personality types.  Suggestions can include: self imposed time out, going for a walk outside, listening to music, calling a friend, asking parents for help, doing something physical to let off steam such as kicking a soccer ball or jumping on a trampoline.  If your children are creative, you might suggest that they draw a picture of how they’re feeling or write their feelings down.

* Encourage positive changes in behavior with predetermined rewards.

Research has shown that children who suffer at the hands of siblings encounter problems in adult life such as an depression, low self-esteem, relationship difficulties, substance abuse and eating disorders.  So don’t ingore sibling abuse and get professional help if you think you need it.

Oct:Domestic Violence and Celiac Disease Awareness Month

I need to do a few writerly things before I get started. First off, if you are looking for an agent Miss Snark’s First Victim is having another secret agent contest with details to be posted on Monday Oct. 13th. Check it out–it doesn’t get easier–or more fun than this.
Also if you are in the US, hopefully, you have been keeping track of the orphaned works bill–trust me, if you are a writer, an artist, a musician, a photographer or in anyway creative, it WILL affect you. Check that out too please.
Now to the real business of the day: In the U.S. October is Breast cancer awareness month.  You can’t walk into most stores without finding something pink to buy to support that cause.  Most magazines do at least one story, and while I do support the cause-having lost a dear writing friend to breast cancer–there ARE other causes out there that are getting no press this month.

    For instance, as Narelle told you, October is domestic violence awareness month.  And it’s celiac disease awareness month-both these causes are so important I want to shout out from the housetops about them. 

    But still this is a blog about writing and writers and so here I am to ask you, what do you as a writer do to support your causes?  I like the idea of buying a t-shirt to give money to promote education and support against domestic violence, and research into celiac.  But I want to do something a little more personal.

    I’ve written about how celiac disease affected my son’s life-even did a Christmas story of sorts on my website.  And of course, I’ve set the mysteries that I write in a battered women’s shelter, trying to get the message out that there are never enough shelters and that the ones that are out there are crowded and noisy and short on privacy.
But it never seems like enough. I know of books where the profits are donated to domestic violence awareness. But I want to do more.
      So Writers, what do you do for your causes?