Happy Holidays

. Today is Halloween, one of my favourite special days (as I don’t get today off, I can’t really call it a holiday). But Halloween has changed. It’s become about little kids in pretty costumes begging for treats, and grown-ups in sexy costumes begging for treats. But that’s not what Halloween is about. It’s the day when the dead walk the earth. When the dead visit the places they were happiest in life, watch those they loved and come to those that wronged them in life. It is the night when the wall between this life and the next crumbles, and becomes a fragile, frayed, fluttering curtain, stirred by just a breath…..

So, I dare you. People are always talking about stories about the true meaning of Christmas – apply that to Halloween. Write a story not about Hershey Kisses and girls dressed as Disney Princesses – but the whisper in the dark, the footstep on the empty stair, the shadow you know is just behind you.

Writing a truly scary story is a challenging task, and not one many writers attempt – and even less succeed at. But I have faith in you, my fellow authors. Intrigue a reader, and he/she will remember you a week or two. Make them cry and they’ll remember you for years. Scare them,chill them to the bone, and they will remember you for all their lives, especially at 3 am when they wake up in the dark. So go on, do it. You don’t even have to put pen to paper. Just talk, in a low, thrilling voice, in the dark. Tell that story hidden deep inside you. Celebrate Halloween the traditional way, scare the living daylights out of your friends.

Dear John

I’d like to end our discussion about domestic violence by thanking all those generous souls who read and or commented here this month.    Instead of reading my post here, I ask that you click on the Women in Crime Ink link below and read my article about intimate partner homicide. 

http://womenincrimeink.blogspot.com/ 

Thanks again for your continued support.

October Wind-up

Narelle may have a word or two to say, before we end the topic of Domestic Violence awareness, but as we approach the end of the month and return to our regularly scheduled program, I want to urge you not to forget to just take a few moments to remember to help the victims of domestic violence.

We’ve already talked about a few easy things to do: you can talk about it, and blog about it to raise awareness, or buy a bracelet from GiveRespect.org to show your support.  Think about having a fund raising dinner at your house.  The September issue of Cooking Light magazine can give you some ideas there. Donate your gently used clothes and household articles to the shelter of your choice. If you have experienced domestic violence sometime in your life, think about volunteering at a shelter. You have a great deal to offer. Sometimes just hearing that there is life beyond this crisis is a lifesaver. It’s not always about money.

Thanks to all of you readers for your comments and your support.

Domestic Violence? Give Respect.org!

In so many ways, these seem like the toughest of times.  Families have been shaken by the economic downturn.  Stability seems gone, and many of us are scared about the future.  The political climate has heated up, at times almost beyond reason.  Wall Street is being pitted against Main Street.

In times like these, the best answers may be the simplest.  Put one foot in front of the other and keep going.  Make the best decisions you can.  Find partners who share your values and goals.  Treat other people with respect.

That’s how we’re tackling one of the world’s most serious and intractable problems – domestic and sexual violence.  With Respect.

Last year, with our friends at Macy’s, we envisioned a national awareness campaign that encouraged everyone, whether they had a connection to the issue of domestic violence or not, to give respect in their lives. This September, we announced the RESPECT! Campaign^SM and launched a new site — GiveRespect.org — that invited the nation to rally for respect with us, and give respect online in any number of ways. By donating, by telling a friend, or by buying a respect bracelet and wearing it proudly. In just a few short weeks, we’ve already seen more than 25,000 acts of respect across the nation, and we’re encouraged that the effort will continue to grow!

And the most incredible thing about respect is that when you give it, you get it back.

Every day, through this new campaign, we learn about the stories of courageous survivors and advocates for the cause, like Christine and Narelle, who are speaking out every day to end the suffering and give hope to those who are victims.

Recently, our partners at Alpha Chi Omega released a video of a domestic violence survivor, Carolyn Cox, who in 2004, was nearly killed by her husband. For 43 years, she silently wished the man she’d married would treat her with respect and decency, and thankfully today, he is behind bars.  She is one of many sharing her story (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=doP0sEHvOEk) to help young women understand  what a healthy, respectful relationship should be like. We admire Carolyn, and all those like her who are changing the conversation in this country and building a foundation of respect for future generations.

Together, we can and will build a new kind of society. One that encourages decency and respect. A society where boys and girls are taught that violence does not equal strength, and where individuals across the globe stand with courage, lead with conviction and speak with one voice to say, “No more”.

We need your help to achieve this. Please reach out to others and take a stand for respect at www.giverespect.org today. And tell your friends — starting on October 30, when you give respect, Geoffrey Beene gives back^TM. For every act of respect, Geoffrey Beene will donate $5 to the Family Violence Prevention Fund, and when you donate, they match it!

With Respect,

The Family Violence Prevention Fund

Sorry to be so blunt but…

In the event you can’t leave the abuser right away or you’ve tried and found that you weren’t (financially or otherwise) ready, you need to minimize your risk of death.  I’m sorry to be so blunt but the reality is that American women are killed by intimate partners more often than by anyone else.  In fact, intimate partner homicide is the leading cause of death in African American women aged 15-45 and it accounts for 40% or 50% of all female homicides.  Shocking but absolutely true.

The statistics in Australia are not good either.  There is on average more than one domestic homicide in Australia per week and based on recent events, I suspect the statistics will be higher for 2008.

So, you’re stuck (temporarily) in an abusive relationship until you get your new life organized.  You need to know which abusive traits are strong predictors to homicide.

* Abuse during pregnancy is a major red flag.  Being abused during pregnancy increases a woman’s risk of intimate partner homicide by nine times.  Read that again, nine times - remember Laci Peterson?  So, no matter what, if your partner is physically or emotionally abusive during your pregnancy, take immediate action.

* Take death threats seriously.  Men who murder their wives often threaten to do so before they do it.

* Remove or hide all guns and ammunition from the home.

* Report domestic violence. It’s understandable to be concerned that reporting domestic violence to the police is going to make the situation at home worse.  However, the incidence of domestic homicide is lower in relationships where the abuser has been charged with the crime.

* Keep your plans (to leave) a secret and leave when the abuser is not home.  Take extra special care for the first 12 months after leaving.  Your risk is heightened during this time especially when the abuser is really controlling (aren’t they all?)

* Reach out.  As well as reporting the abuse, you can reach out to family, friends and local domestic violence agencies.

I want to finish this post by saying that there are a lot of people who care about women who live in a domestic nightmare.   Don’t suffer alone or in silence.

More on Why Battered Women Don’t Leave

I think Narelle’s post and a number of the comments have hit the nail on the head.  Many battered women don’t leave due to economic factors.  Maybe they don’t have a job, and they’ve got kids.  It’s not that they want to be abused. They’re flat out scared. The abuser has threatened their lives, their children’s lives, their families’ lives. 

 Which brings us to the issue of shelters, which are meant to help with all of this.  Women can go to a shelter and be safe, bring their kids and keep them safe, live there for a bit and find a job and a new apartment.  Except that there aren’t enough shelters. 

   In my home state of Colorado, the Colorado Coalition against Domestic Violence reports that they turned away 5,886 people in 2006 due to a lack of capacity. That was just in my state. How is yours doing?

CCADV further reports a need for more long term shelter. Really?

Think about this: your husband has abused you. You leave, in a hurry with the kids and what clothes you can grab up and call a shelter because he will find you at your Mom’s house and you’re scared for Mom.  You figure you’re lucky.  You’ve got a job; you can support yourself and the kids.  And the shelter has room for you all so you have time to find a new apartment.

Maybe you’ve forgotten your contact lens case, your son’s spelling homework, maybe you’ve forgotten your daughter’s asthma medicine. But you get to a shelter and you’re safe. But you have no money and the shelter is noisy, overcrowded and you can only stay 30 days or maybe six weeks.

During that time, your husband shows up at the kids’ school and tries to take them. Luckily you’ve alerted the principal, but you realize he can catch them anywhere. You need to change the kids’ school. Not only that. He shows up in the parking lot of your job and makes a scene. Your co-workers intervene but you can’t feel safe. And the boss sure didn’t like it.  All of a sudden, you need a new job.

Of course, you have no furniture, blankets, or even cooking utensils. You had to leave all of that behind. So you have to remake your whole life in 30 days or maybe six weeks.  Plus all the apartments want first and last month’s rent plus a deposit.  You don’t have that kind of money and time is running out.  Can you do it?

Maybe he promises he’ll stop. Maybe he says he’ll go to counseling. Maybe the shelter is overcrowded, noisy. The kids can’t sleep at night and cry to go home.
Do you believe him. Is it worth it to go home, try to get a plan and some money and do this again? What do you do? What do you do?

Pleased to meet you, fictional character

. My writing class and my acting class both have much the same sort of thing to say about characters. The best way to know them, is to have a conversation with them.

Often, characters in books can seem flat, as if they don’t have a life outside the pages. Its our duty, as writers, to make those few words on the page that constitute a character spring into life, walk off the paper, and into our minds. The best way to do this, is to find out all you can about them – talk to them.

Ask them the big questions – why are you doing this? What do you think you’ll achieve? Ask them the little questions – what’s your favourite colour, why do you like Agatha Christie? You may never write in the book that your heroine is named after Great Aunt Amelia’s favourite pug dog, but if you know that, you have given a character life, and that shows.

You may be like me, and like to discover your characters as you go, but that doesn’t stop you learning all you can about them on the way. I may not know what my current heroine will say when someone says he loves her (although I’m guessing it won’t be pretty), but I know all about her past. I may not reveal any of it, but I know about it.

One more thing though – you will know a little bit more about your character than they do. They might tell you that they have a certain reason for their action – but only you know if that is the real reason for it. They might hate their name because they hated Aunt Amelia’s dog, but only you know that they also hate it because it was the name of someone who bullied them – something they might not even admit to themselves.

So get to know your characters as real living, breathing, feeling people. Learn them, know them, love them (And that includes the villains) – but never become them. Instead, become that all-knowing best friend. Then your characters will be real, and your readers will love and know them too.

Why battered women don’t leave…

In choosing my Domestic Violence awareness month topic this week, I reflected on a conversation I had with my sister some months ago.  I asked her what she’d like to know about domestic violence.

She said, “why don’t they just leave, Rel?  Like, why do the women stay?  I don’t get that.”

The most commonly ascribed ‘clinical’ theory is battered women’s syndrome.  Battered women’s syndrome is said to be a form of post-traumatic stress. The syndrome has four stages:

1) Denial – she denies to herself and everyone else that the abuse is taking place.

2) Guilt – she acknowledges that there is abuse taking place but believes she brought it on herself and is therefore responsible for it.

3) Enlightenment – she recognizes that no-one deserves to be abused and relinquished responsibility.  She stays in the relationship hoping to work things out.

4) Responsibility – she concedes that the abuser is not going to change and she decides to leave and get on with her life.

Learned helplessness is another theory sometimes used to explain why women stay.  As the name suggests, learned helplessness is a condition where the victim of abuse fails to recognize their ability to change or escape from an unpleasant or destructive situation.

And to all that I say clinical-sminical!   Here’s a summary of the reality that one woman faced when trying to leave her abusive husband.  I’m sure she is not alone in her experience.

You can’t escape him.  He has access to the same places you do and when he finds you, the abuse he inflicts will be worse than ever.

In order to hide the abuse, you’ve become isolated and now have no-where to go.  If you do have friend or family to turn to – are you really going to drag them into this tangled mess?  (In this woman’s case, a police officer actually told her that her violent husband was her problem and she had no right inflicting him on anyone else).

He’s and expert liar so you call the police, he explains you’re out of your mind, the police believe him and bring him home.  Similarly, professionals have a hard time believing a quiet, educated man would do the things you accuse him of.

Your pastor tells you that love conquers all and to “turn the other cheek”.

You end up in couples counseling with a counselor who tells you both that you need to communicate and trust more openly.   Despite her assurances to the contrary, the counsellor raises issues you’ve told them in confidence.  Your husband appears to consider these issues – he nods, looks reflective and says all the right things.  The self satisfied counsellor sends you on your way to work on the issues.  You get home and your husband beats the living daylights you of you.

This women ended up getting away from her husband but I’ll end this post by quoting from her letter.

“I still remember with special bitterness the psychiatrist, doctors, and policemen who told me that I must enjoy such treatment, or I would never put up with it.”

MORE OF October: Domestic Violence Awareness Month

I know doing this is a departure for a “writing” blog. But I think this is important. People get so overwhelmed by big causes like domestic violence that they think they can do nothing–and that’s pretty much what they do.

It doesn’t take much.  It doesn’t even take money.  It does take awareness to work on domestic violence.  When I first became involved with the cause, women who called a domestic violence “hotline” were apt to be directed to the home of a woman who was passionate about helping other women. The victim stayed the night or nights at the home of the volunteer. Shelters came later, at least in Northern California where I got involved.

It was these same volunteers who staffed the hotlines, answering panicked calls from other women late into the night because they knew no one would call at 2 a.m unless they really needed help.  Efforts like these went on around the country–woman after woman after man helping people who needed help.

We’ll be having some guests come to Rule of Three to talk about their efforts in response to Domestic Violence.   Lacresha Hayes an author, minister and an advocate for the abused will talk about what she does. And Katherine Meiners of Give Respect campaign, which is run by the Family Violence Prevention fund will also be here this month.
Meanwhile, just keep domestic violence in mind, and heart and prayer. Blog about it. Talk about it. Donate your gently used clothing to a shelter. You can make a difference and it doesn’t mean changing your life to do it. But it could change someone else’s life.

Come into my parlour…

. I’ve been doing my writing class for two weeks now, and I’ve already learnt such a lot. And one thing I’ve learnt is that I’ve missing something out of my stories…

I’ve got characters, plot, tone – but where’s my world?

When I write, I can see the world my characters are living in very clearly. I can see the street they walk down, the sky above them, the girl in the coffee shop window, the man arguing over the price of apples. The problem is, I don’t describe it.

Every time I start to describe a world, I remember Victor Hugo describing the Paris sewers in great details for nine pages right in the middle of Marius and Valjean’s escape from the barricades – and I stop. I don’t want to slow up the action.

Learning whilst writing fan fiction meant I never had to describe a world. What was the point in describing the Stargate Command gateroom when all my readers knew it as well as I did?

But by not describing my world, I was excluding the reader. A description of a street, of a view, of a room, invites the reader to visualise it – and that invites them in. Come into my parlour said the spider to the fly. A writer should be the spider, describing that parlour, drawing the reader in, until they are caught up in the story and cannot leave.

From now on, I shall describe the world my characters are in – the feel of the wind on her face, the smell of the market, the colour of his coat. I’ll invite my readers not just to watch my worlds, but to be a part of it.